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Dear Love

Have I ever told you that I hate the quiet? Some people fill it with busy minds, myself? I reflect, which is possibly the worst thing that someone can do when they have no pieces of them left that are useful.

Remember me? Am I ageing with grace I wonder, I feel like I have retreated further into myself, even now, on dark days, I cannot reach out a hand for someone to touch, inside, deeply caged, is the small soul, crying for some sort of connection, and yet… Here I am, unmoving, unyielding, unmasking.

I’m supposed to heal, you know?… You do the maths, you follow the instructions, you do the maths and the resolution should be to take the past, remove it, clean it, filter it, replace it with some brand new resignation to your experience… I am still waiting… Please, take my heart, take my chill away, I have whittled away to nothing, an empty space where thoughts began.

Dear Love, do you only get one shot? A gamble that never paid off, that pushes to the brink, saved only by intellect? All the things that you brought to the table

  • Wanting to touch
  • Wanting to be touched
  • Wanting to feel the world caving in

You just strip them, leaving like that 3am fuck, semen spent and bruised, emptied or filled, in the open with only the hating thoughts of your own judgement.

I’m supposed to heal, the silent promise of this is what pulled inside out the mess I made, the pressure that broke, from violated to self violating, from self hate to self help, from prime to aged, the promise was implied… you improve, you work, you hope… Until hope dies, the work reaches a conclusion, the improvement ends… What then? Where are you my love, promised by implication, abandoning your commitments… Don’t you know I am no use to anyone now? I made plans, quietly built my truth, my mind fueled by this belief

My love, you left it too long, there is nothing left here to scavenge.

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You can take my mind on an adventure

Show it the world, let it sin and stain

Until it becomes static

A head on the shoulders

Of age

Pain

Fearful living and failure of oblivion

It is so easy to remember the sweet

Drowning of the mind

The quiet

Now the volume is a solitary mute

You changed

I did not change

You grew

I grew stunted

And looking into your eyes, I see the climate change

Further away from you

My bruises show

My

Allegiance to the static

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This is a story, a pained sigh in the housing of a page.

A hundred pair of rolled eyes have bound this.

Left it sealed as tight as that hidden box of intellect that small girls pack away with the sound of the plastic rustling on their first padded bra.

It’s a stark view, the female mind to the outside

What do you contribute?

Encasing your mind in concrete, lest it be discovered and picked clean.

Ten words

Ten short moments

Ten ways to not be raped

Ten ways not be beaten beyond what you deserve

Ten ways to ensure that you are, after the age of ten, alive, dialled down, functioning and fully integrated.

Fucktoy                                Appreciative                      Pretty                   Muted                  Hesitant                               Chattel                 Accepting                            Sacrificing                            Forgiving                                                              Capitulating

From pigtails to rohypnol

This is the story of ten words to help you navigate, to fly under the dominating radar

To be the girl that is to be owned with a veil and a hymen intact, or at the very least a count under seven of previous owners.

A tale of ten small words to keep you small

To differentiate between Dolly and Doxie

Ho’ and Her.

Ten words preferable being fucked up the ass in an alleyway by a faceless stranger because he can and you can’t do a single thing to prevent it because you lost your way.

Distracted amongst the millions of words in the English language.

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There is breath left in my body

Waiting to break

On the shoreline

Spoken for at will

This blurred moment

Tales refuge inside

From beauty

It’s terrible grasp

dulling the senses

This bed cold and empty now

bereft of the troubled moment

There is breath left in my body

stilled and left to fail

Return to me I am empty

Give me something to hold

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No-one Speaks

This room is hothoused fake plastic orchids and nicotine

formative years grasping at some still hope

worn down, out and off

Never been who I wanted

kisses replaced with vitriol

invisible world I understand you now

You are never about me

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Backwards Born

I chose to burn all the photographs, the negatives, the absence of affection

We started and ended in a molten mess of heat

Of hedonism belying our age and outrage

falling in and climbing in

Memories of stolen give a fuck times

which though few and far between

provoked the possession of air

through the night

I will only disappoint you

There is no bright madness here in the window

no grasping need, no validation, no anti heroine

The anger spent on the sheets, the absence dissipated

The dispassionate care discarded

This fire baby, this absence, it destroys us both

Gathering moss growing under us and the unwillingness

to return.

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Words crumble to ash when they form from our lips, such are the lies you tell, so freely, quipped with a smile, that one with the crooked edge that caught my eye. There is a part of us that lives within that tainted nineties time of marlboro lights and acoustic appreciation… That time when boy bands were not bands because they didn’t perform live, because they couldn’t play an instrument, and now it is all televised humiliation and multi talent from the multi verse… When did it all fuck up so spectacularly?

Those skinny indie kids still float in the ether amongst gentle reminiscing and a more serious resentment that only grows as time moves past us, pinning us down to the claustrophobic times of penny pitching pinching parades of nonsensical sensibility.

My reflection taunts me with the vestiges of… not happiness, I was too young for happiness, to intense, too determined to have at least an admirable level of emotional suffrage, no not happiness, it taunts me with an ernest dissatisfaction rather than the resigned permanent disappointment that arrived with the requirement to use hair dye to push my feminist credibility and not to make the statement that I didn’t have to.

Christ, I remember the times of cutting into skin to purify and drinking truth like beauty, no matter the taste, cloying seminal fluid of righteousness coating every word, the delusion of grandeur, the flimsy armour of politically correct self indulgent self righteous absolute fucking certainty that this was it. The worst, the best, the everything that could happen was happening right now, or right then.

Replaced with flatulence, the inane remnants of a person never formed now walking steadily, with such complete balanced internalised hatred that turns from misogyny into a rage that would burn, if one had the energy, or didn’t have to be so Goddamn aware of the possible effects on the global climate.

Here is a true story, from a party, from a bathroom, fingers paused at throat, can I be put of my misery and condemn this future, drowning in the disapproval of the cunt, the blinds of dust permanently drawn, the sun risen and set, no land to tend, no empire to defend, just want, want, want. It draws me into the existence of power, commodity, extinction, and transparent ideology forgotten.

Our words crumble to ash, momentary lapses of kindness pour into my voided headspace as you rasp and tear, softened, dispassionate, well fucked, well fed, well to do, well read, well saddened and bereft

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