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Dear Love

Have I ever told you that I hate the quiet? Some people fill it with busy minds, myself? I reflect, which is possibly the worst thing that someone can do when they have no pieces of them left that are useful.

Remember me? Am I ageing with grace I wonder, I feel like I have retreated further into myself, even now, on dark days, I cannot reach out a hand for someone to touch, inside, deeply caged, is the small soul, crying for some sort of connection, and yet… Here I am, unmoving, unyielding, unmasking.

I’m supposed to heal, you know?… You do the maths, you follow the instructions, you do the maths and the resolution should be to take the past, remove it, clean it, filter it, replace it with some brand new resignation to your experience… I am still waiting… Please, take my heart, take my chill away, I have whittled away to nothing, an empty space where thoughts began.

Dear Love, do you only get one shot? A gamble that never paid off, that pushes to the brink, saved only by intellect? All the things that you brought to the table

  • Wanting to touch
  • Wanting to be touched
  • Wanting to feel the world caving in

You just strip them, leaving like that 3am fuck, semen spent and bruised, emptied or filled, in the open with only the hating thoughts of your own judgement.

I’m supposed to heal, the silent promise of this is what pulled inside out the mess I made, the pressure that broke, from violated to self violating, from self hate to self help, from prime to aged, the promise was implied… you improve, you work, you hope… Until hope dies, the work reaches a conclusion, the improvement ends… What then? Where are you my love, promised by implication, abandoning your commitments… Don’t you know I am no use to anyone now? I made plans, quietly built my truth, my mind fueled by this belief

My love, you left it too long, there is nothing left here to scavenge.

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The splinter sometimes works its way through

Just deep enough under the skin

To provoke the split

Between outside and in

A view through the haze

Of bare survival

Of dampening down every nerve

Still beating a rhythm

I scream

Impassive responds

With the like

There is nothing of note here

Other than duty, capability

Duty, duty, duty

Nothing builds

No structure

What will breach

And birth the waste

Screaming bloody, hoarse, loaded

Impassive responds

With the like

This is not what I do

There is no right time to pull through

No shoulder, no deeper, no grace

No space

For leading the way through the impassive

No anchoring line

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I hear the whispers

Baby I hear them speaking the truth

To fall for you

I’ve heard your words fall from a thousand lips

From faces no longer clear

You can’t have me

Pay no mind to my consent

Pay me no mind

There is nothing good left between

 

Glacier passion devoid

If it makes you less sad

Consider me a broken thing

Beyond emotional recovery

Still fit to ride

Past investment

Holding fast and whittling away

 

When the light falls

And I become a still, solitary shadow

Don’t turn it into something it’s not

You took all I have

Frozen cunt

Disengaged gag reflex

The place where I feel home

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You can take my mind on an adventure

Show it the world, let it sin and stain

Until it becomes static

A head on the shoulders

Of age

Pain

Fearful living and failure of oblivion

It is so easy to remember the sweet

Drowning of the mind

The quiet

Now the volume is a solitary mute

You changed

I did not change

You grew

I grew stunted

And looking into your eyes, I see the climate change

Further away from you

My bruises show

My

Allegiance to the static

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My beautiful one

I will supply you with the armour

The escape plans, the bullet proof vest

Underwired but appropriately covered

You can follow in my footsteps

Well-trodden paths

Of torn minds, broken bones and secrets

Whispered upon deadened, cold, hollowed skin

I will keep you safe my little one

My beautiful one

Don’t be closer to confident than necessary

Don’t ever let the ball drop

Don’t embrace freedom, wind, hope or self-possession

I will teach you the quickest way from the bottom to your feet

Vigilance and accession

Hear my words, weary and earnest

I see the path ahead, hacking at thighs

Chasing the aesthetic

Trying to remember the words that keep you safe my little one

Side stepping and traditional pride

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There is a time to please, to appease, to apologise

For the tease, for existence

To apologise for the breasts, and the audacity

To want ownership, to be landed gentry of the manger

To pray less than politely for a lack of invitation from

The testosterone laden entitlement

When you trust him, the deceit still sits

In that firm space between gender specifications and stereotypes

I’m afraid, I’m sorry

Your cunt is forever a bridle, securing avoidance, submission and admission

Firmly in persona

Under his hand

Your mind undermined

In a flinch

Under his hand

I’m afraid, I’m sorry

That you won’t recognise this binding, fixed position

Until he quenches his thirst in your objections, absorbing words into penetration

Wrapped in an ovarian chain of expectation

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Small music on my mind

Brings me to you

In a haze of humiliation and bemusement

I remember those drowning days

Of pained misery

Here I am, standing the way I am supposed to be, stilled and silent

Inert for that few moments of relief from the paralysed blood sluggishly driving me away from reality

My mind whispers, an explosion in the silence

I just really want to fucking feel anything but this absence of

(heart) (head) (hope) (ambition) (noise) (warmth) ( of

(heart) (head) (hope) (ambition) (noise) (warmth) ( of

(heart) (head) (hope) (ambition) (noise) (warmth) ( of

(heart) (head) (hope) (ambition) (noise) (warmth) ( of

My body is battle worn, scarred and no longer up to the challenge of a fluttered eyelash

Without the body, the walls are a thousand years in standing, a thousand ships launched and dashed like hope

This body is cleaved, deformed and moulded now to a fearsome sight

The mind is a bear chewing off its own leg

Absent and running on instinct

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