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Posts Tagged ‘past’

The splinter sometimes works its way through

Just deep enough under the skin

To provoke the split

Between outside and in

A view through the haze

Of bare survival

Of dampening down every nerve

Still beating a rhythm

I scream

Impassive responds

With the like

There is nothing of note here

Other than duty, capability

Duty, duty, duty

Nothing builds

No structure

What will breach

And birth the waste

Screaming bloody, hoarse, loaded

Impassive responds

With the like

This is not what I do

There is no right time to pull through

No shoulder, no deeper, no grace

No space

For leading the way through the impassive

No anchoring line

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I hear the whispers

Baby I hear them speaking the truth

To fall for you

I’ve heard your words fall from a thousand lips

From faces no longer clear

You can’t have me

Pay no mind to my consent

Pay me no mind

There is nothing good left between

 

Glacier passion devoid

If it makes you less sad

Consider me a broken thing

Beyond emotional recovery

Still fit to ride

Past investment

Holding fast and whittling away

 

When the light falls

And I become a still, solitary shadow

Don’t turn it into something it’s not

You took all I have

Frozen cunt

Disengaged gag reflex

The place where I feel home

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I lost count of the number at that cold, calculating age of eighteen

And some months

As another slightly shrivelled disappointment

Pumped the last of its vigour

Into the empty receptacle at three in the morning

Behind the NCCP car park near that little club with the sofas

Before comfort became a necessity in nightclubs

And excess was a necessary outlet for madness

That beautiful insanity that accompanies the absoluteness of that cold, calculating age of eighteen and some months

The number rose, the incessant pounding wearing the walls smooth

Worn, weary, a thousand years of subtle change, to evolve

Lackluster, listless passion dissipating into resignation

Once I was indignant, with the world at my feet and the bay at my mercy

Until I stopped counting the numbers

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I once wrote the most perfect words

On paper, using a list of serious and well-meant memorials

To those few people who were on the peripheral

I sucked down the various, easily accommodated lies

With a final hoorah of golden sour mash bourbon

I lay my head back, waited for the calm

I woke, capitulating to the narcissistic, the encouraging and the masturbatory

Fantasists, white coats hiding those turgid offerings

I flexed and cried at the correct times, I flexed and felt reality chafe

Ate the burnt offerings of positivity, hope, reassurance

Concealed the letter, soured and sullen

It never takes too long

For me to arrive back here until I am gone

Affirmations failing, I burrow while you congratulate

I live on my knees

Doe eyes, hidden gag reflex

Dulled wit and burnt out

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evanesce

Without shame

To drown in freedom of clarity

I am stripped bare of beauty

Charm and interest

A desert of communication

Acrid earth shapes like bile

You fuck and pour your desperation

Are you hoping to quench the thirst?

Or sate your spite

Your fingertips across my skin

Dragging like a cry for care

I can’t answer the question to what makes us tick,

I am sitting here, have been for so long, waiting forever,

Waiting for, please, hold on, waiting for that firing synapsis that ignites the knowledge that this is not it all.

How can you leave without a trace or shadow on life?

The clock ticks and never stops,

Sharing none of itself and I watch you leave over and over,

I am just empty space and you are empty space, and like some existential clarity, none of it matters.

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We rested out of the shade in the cool air

Empty glass filling the space

That had grown between us

My detachment as clear as the air

Your disdain heavy like pollen

Our pallor weak

Gravity pulling on our thoughts

Your problem was never that you

Didn’t love,

Didn’t feel,

Didn’t want,

Didn’t need

My problem was never that I

Didn’t reflect

Didn’t amend

Didn’t give

Didn’t capitulate

There is no blame to lie

Breathe me in.

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Notch in my bedspot

Hush Down

I carry you around tonight

Those things I never told you

No matter the lonely hope

Nobody to remind us of humanity

Starting small

We might kiss

In that way people kiss whilst awaiting

Hush down

I did it again

Fucking hatred from pore to bone

I can erase you with one more fuck

Your face a memory which each thrust

Your voice a small sound hidden behind unguarded utterances

I carry you around tonight

Starting small

We might kiss

You aggressive, unremitting

Me persuasive, passive

Dispassionate, center focused

There is always time to spend destroying you

This shadow of you that remains

Hush down

I carry you around tonight

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