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One Casualty

You, I, there is no feelings here

You are built on a construct of lies and invention

I, have no capacity for warmth

Once upon a time I was punished with some extremely bad prose

Rhyming out my failings at great length

I am sure you can improve on this auto-biographic nightmare of confusion

And twisted pride than you are subjecting me to.

After all, I didn’t pluck you out of the crowd for your looks

Or Prize winning personality

It may not have been for your breath-taking intellect

But yet… I hold out hope that you can do more than

Lament and attract flies

Throw and crush and maul

Am I the only place you can relieve your pain

I know your taste, I can’t supply this fix

You can buckle down this cunt and rip and envy

I met you, this mess I bring

You have an impossible dream that I will feel

Your slamming door being the moment of realisation

They leave the same way, unwitting, controlled

Don’t change, I have been here all these years

Someday

I once wrote the most perfect words

On paper, using a list of serious and well-meant memorials

To those few people who were on the peripheral

I sucked down the various, easily accommodated lies

With a final hoorah of golden sour mash bourbon

I lay my head back, waited for the calm

I woke, capitulating to the narcissistic, the encouraging and the masturbatory

Fantasists, white coats hiding those turgid offerings

I flexed and cried at the correct times, I flexed and felt reality chafe

Ate the burnt offerings of positivity, hope, reassurance

Concealed the letter, soured and sullen

It never takes too long

For me to arrive back here until I am gone

Affirmations failing, I burrow while you congratulate

I live on my knees

Doe eyes, hidden gag reflex

Dulled wit and burnt out

I am so thoroughly sealed into this tomb

The air has no escape

I know the score

It’s so cold in here

I want to take you, cry and love

Only pain makes sense

And good timing

I want to take you out

Of the equation

It is a crime

The waste I leave you out in

I lost that little piece of soul that still existed

Between the there and the now

The day that my heart bled for the last time

I cupped my hands

Caught the lions share

Went about my business

There and the now

Being the useless waiting place

Where questions die on the lips

I keep mine hidden

Resignation stifles them behind glass walls

Of camaraderie and acceptance

Resignation keeps the cry from turning into a roar

I am old I realize

The certainty replaced with sagging skin

The determination matched by roots dying with age

Colour fading and care waning

I watch as the march goes on

It’s dwindling numbers eating away at the empty space

My heart died

Jackboot cracking psyche, will and bread at the table

I watch the show

As closely as I watch this rock gathering speed

Level the lives of the people it passes

Falling into this totalitarian path that is being carved

Voices fading, the fight waning, falling from the bones

Cracking like fine china in the squeezing grip

Of frenzied hunger, of entitled certainty, of churlish power

False promises, declarations of care, exclamations of empathy

Fall deaf and flat; my ears are battle scarred from a thousand men’s promises

They spit epitaphs for the disenfranchised, the worn and the hopeful

I catch the light in their eyes, waiting their time, biding their time

To rape, fuck, delve, strain, nail and tear open

Digging deep, drawing blood, opening the old wounds

One man replaces the other, same face, same game, same end

Come, conquer, come again, force you to swallow, and leave

Just another vessel to be left to clean itself up at the bottom of the pile

With every expulsion a past wrong is righted is it not?

A new wrong created for the next man to right

And with each wrong

My soul is further away, a faint line in the distance

Knowing you can never affect change is the quickest death.

Avert your eyes

Pretend you don’t see

That I am a love poet

I never meant to let you down

I lied

Indulged and fattened with the spite

Dusk and moss covering the cracks

But I don’t want to change

This secret love poet part

That sits patiently waiting for

A long, soothing note

I never meant to let you down

I never mean to let you down

But I breathe for the moments

Those moments of crawling shame

The danger zone of flickered interest

The anticipation of following the hunger

And swallowing the lies

I can wait

I can wait

You don’t know this about me

But my clichéd lines of disinterest are

Hope, embraced, given and scattered

You see my love has eyes

That see through the cynical me to the cynical you

Don’t give me wise words and realistic moments

I am a love poet

Your reasons are another line

In another account

evanesce

Without shame

To drown in freedom of clarity

I am stripped bare of beauty

Charm and interest

A desert of communication

Acrid earth shapes like bile

You fuck and pour your desperation

Are you hoping to quench the thirst?

Or sate your spite

Your fingertips across my skin

Dragging like a cry for care

I can’t answer the question to what makes us tick,

I am sitting here, have been for so long, waiting forever,

Waiting for, please, hold on, waiting for that firing synapsis that ignites the knowledge that this is not it all.

How can you leave without a trace or shadow on life?

The clock ticks and never stops,

Sharing none of itself and I watch you leave over and over,

I am just empty space and you are empty space, and like some existential clarity, none of it matters.

It is three o’clock with wild frozen drops of life

Falling from the trees

I try to control it, to console the rain

The playful sound of you in my rhythm

And I cannot understand how time slipped so quickly

Into memories and reflections on time that escaped

The trap of me

My mind is the closed book

I wanted to be

The road never stops

Lay down beside me

I can’t accept this never slows down

And I can’t stop thinking

The patterns of you frozen over

With time and colour and sanity

I turn my back

Don’t give me hope to hold

I am old and beyond reasons

To be over

To stay in the moment

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