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I lost that little piece of soul that still existed

Between the there and the now

The day that my heart bled for the last time

I cupped my hands

Caught the lions share

Went about my business

There and the now

Being the useless waiting place

Where questions die on the lips

I keep mine hidden

Resignation stifles them behind glass walls

Of camaraderie and acceptance

Resignation keeps the cry from turning into a roar

I am old I realize

The certainty replaced with sagging skin

The determination matched by roots dying with age

Colour fading and care waning

I watch as the march goes on

It’s dwindling numbers eating away at the empty space

My heart died

Jackboot cracking psyche, will and bread at the table

I watch the show

As closely as I watch this rock gathering speed

Level the lives of the people it passes

Falling into this totalitarian path that is being carved

Voices fading, the fight waning, falling from the bones

Cracking like fine china in the squeezing grip

Of frenzied hunger, of entitled certainty, of churlish power

False promises, declarations of care, exclamations of empathy

Fall deaf and flat; my ears are battle scarred from a thousand men’s promises

They spit epitaphs for the disenfranchised, the worn and the hopeful

I catch the light in their eyes, waiting their time, biding their time

To rape, fuck, delve, strain, nail and tear open

Digging deep, drawing blood, opening the old wounds

One man replaces the other, same face, same game, same end

Come, conquer, come again, force you to swallow, and leave

Just another vessel to be left to clean itself up at the bottom of the pile

With every expulsion a past wrong is righted is it not?

A new wrong created for the next man to right

And with each wrong

My soul is further away, a faint line in the distance

Knowing you can never affect change is the quickest death.

Avert your eyes

Pretend you don’t see

That I am a love poet

I never meant to let you down

I lied

Indulged and fattened with the spite

Dusk and moss covering the cracks

But I don’t want to change

This secret love poet part

That sits patiently waiting for

A long, soothing note

I never meant to let you down

I never mean to let you down

But I breathe for the moments

Those moments of crawling shame

The danger zone of flickered interest

The anticipation of following the hunger

And swallowing the lies

I can wait

I can wait

You don’t know this about me

But my clichéd lines of disinterest are

Hope, embraced, given and scattered

You see my love has eyes

That see through the cynical me to the cynical you

Don’t give me wise words and realistic moments

I am a love poet

Your reasons are another line

In another account

evanesce

Without shame

To drown in freedom of clarity

I am stripped bare of beauty

Charm and interest

A desert of communication

Acrid earth shapes like bile

You fuck and pour your desperation

Are you hoping to quench the thirst?

Or sate your spite

Your fingertips across my skin

Dragging like a cry for care

I can’t answer the question to what makes us tick,

I am sitting here, have been for so long, waiting forever,

Waiting for, please, hold on, waiting for that firing synapsis that ignites the knowledge that this is not it all.

How can you leave without a trace or shadow on life?

The clock ticks and never stops,

Sharing none of itself and I watch you leave over and over,

I am just empty space and you are empty space, and like some existential clarity, none of it matters.

It is three o’clock with wild frozen drops of life

Falling from the trees

I try to control it, to console the rain

The playful sound of you in my rhythm

And I cannot understand how time slipped so quickly

Into memories and reflections on time that escaped

The trap of me

My mind is the closed book

I wanted to be

The road never stops

Lay down beside me

I can’t accept this never slows down

And I can’t stop thinking

The patterns of you frozen over

With time and colour and sanity

I turn my back

Don’t give me hope to hold

I am old and beyond reasons

To be over

To stay in the moment

Breathing Alone

The way that you stone cold

Stone cold knocked the breath

From my lungs

With a well placed word

And stepped over my wasting heart

Was that kind of cold

That I fucked you for in the first place

I got no excuse

For these thousand chattering moments

That are, consistent in their mocking

You scraped clean this void

Before blood, iron and you were erased.

Always been my own

A step closer

Closer to finding that sum total of zero

Why don’t you see, the words are small rejections

It is not me, it is you

It is not you, it is me

It is all just another sliver of disgust

30 minutes of mastering domination

With clammy desperation

You are just another dripping disappointment

In a line of disappointments which is perhaps

A little lengthy for good taste.

He scraped me clean, dry, brittle, dust and bone

You sit next to me, all keen curiosity

Me the figment in the gift shop window

I don’t want to be bought, picked up, polished

Placed on your pedestal, pretending

That this is not just loneliness and some

Bad memories spilling out over the sound waves

Each touch is poison in my blood

I miss him in the moments when this all starts

This memory turns to the falling

Cleans him till he leaves me lonely

Paper thin and rising

low tone to town

We rested out of the shade in the cool air

Empty glass filling the space

That had grown between us

My detachment as clear as the air

Your disdain heavy like pollen

Our pallor weak

Gravity pulling on our thoughts

Your problem was never that you

Didn’t love,

Didn’t feel,

Didn’t want,

Didn’t need

My problem was never that I

Didn’t reflect

Didn’t amend

Didn’t give

Didn’t capitulate

There is no blame to lie

Breathe me in.

Notch in my bedspot

Hush Down

I carry you around tonight

Those things I never told you

No matter the lonely hope

Nobody to remind us of humanity

Starting small

We might kiss

In that way people kiss whilst awaiting

Hush down

I did it again

Fucking hatred from pore to bone

I can erase you with one more fuck

Your face a memory which each thrust

Your voice a small sound hidden behind unguarded utterances

I carry you around tonight

Starting small

We might kiss

You aggressive, unremitting

Me persuasive, passive

Dispassionate, center focused

There is always time to spend destroying you

This shadow of you that remains

Hush down

I carry you around tonight

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